If you were to read ESPN.com’s Page 2 article this week, you’d be reading a witty, well written article by Chuck Klosterman. I’m familiar with the man’s work; mostly because I often criticize it, and have on occasion posted a critical comment on a magazine he is often associated with, SPIN (here and here). But as of late, I’ve given SPIN another chance (here); I’m really trying! With that being said, check out the updates that Klosterman has writing this week. His ongoing correspondence from Detroit wreaks of complete awesome-ness.

With that being said, allow me to get to the point of this post, me. If you go to the first post on Klosterman’s Page 2 article you’ll 1. enjoy it and 2. (without hardly any effort) see that I am only two degrees of separation from the Mecca of all things sports, ESPN.com. And if you don’t know why ESPN is cool, look up Stuart Scott or Chris Berman (whoop). Anyways, go to the Klosterman post and scroll down to the comment made about things that “blogging” allows him to do.

See that link to the huge mp3 entirely consisting of Paul Stanley stage banter? Yeah, you’re gonna want to click on that. It’ll take you here.

Now, are you about ready to seize the day? Just scroll down until you see Culture Bully (aka this site).

How cool is that? Yeah, pretty cool. But it really leaves me puzzled; just how incredible is it that I am a mere two degrees of separation from ESPN? In order to find the answer to that question, I put into action some comparative research in the hope that I could discover just how much cooler I am than some of Hollywood’s hottest stars. Here are my results:

Saved by the Bell’s Dennis “Mr. Belding” Haskins is first on the list. He is often associated with the Saved by the Bell series, as is Mario Lopez. What does Mario Lopez have? That’s right, some of the world’s most amazing dimples. And who starred in the 1936 movie Dimples along side Ms. Shirley Temple (Black)? Robert Kent; who was in Dragnet which was later remade into a television program, then another movie. Saturday Night Live alum Dan Akroyd starred in it, outshining anything (current Saturday Night Live cast member) Kenan Thompson has ever done. Especially something like Good Burger, which he starred in. And who else was in that movie? Robert Whul, star of Arli$$. And guess who was featured Arli$$ episode 209 “How to Be a Good Listener?” ESPN anchor, Chris Berman. Dennis Haskings to Mario Lopez to Dimples to Shirley Temple to Robert Kent to Dragnet to Dan Akroyd to Saturday Night Live to Kenan Thompson to Good Burger to Robert Whul to Arli$$ to Chris Berman to ESPN…? Thirteen degrees of separation is hardly something to be proud of, Belding.

Bill “The Science Guy” Nye, second on my list, offers a slightly harder challenge for me. Bill Nye was featured as a technical director for the television show, BattleBots. That show aired on Comedy Central for a few years before being given the axe, kind of like another show, Win Ben Stein’s Money. Win Ben Stein’s Money featured Nancy Pimental, who replaced Jimmy Kimmel as the witty co-host. Nancy Pimental wrote The Sweetest Thing. The Sweetest Thing features Jason Batemen who starred (can you say “stars” if you know the show is essentially finished?) in Arrested Development on the FOX Network. Another show which has appeared on the FOX Network is American Dad, which features the voice of Stephen Root (as Dick). And as we all know, Stephen Root is in Dodgeball - A True Underdog Story which jokingly has its fintournamentent on ESPN “The OCHO.” I could go one more out on that because “The Ocho” isn’t a real channel, but because I have respect for Nye’s ability to know stuff, I wont. Bill Nye to BattleBots to Comedy Central to Win Ben Stein’s Money to Nancy Pimental to The Sweetest Thing to Jason Batemen to FOX to American Dad to Stephen Root to Dodgeball to ESPN. Eleven is a little better, but certainly not a challenge. I thought good and hard for at least a minute before I thought of someone who could offer a solid challenge. And that man is Kevin Bacon.

Kevin Bacon: often considered “The Ultimate” in “degrees separationion” games (and “degrees of creepiness” games), Kevin bacon is universally known as (at the very most) a mere six degrees of separation from absolutely every actor on earth. Allow me to give you an example: “Portia de Rossi.” Kevin Bacon was in Wild Things with Matt Damon. Matt Damon’s brother, Kevin Dillon, is on the show Entourage. Guess who else is on the show? Yup, Jeremy Piven, who starred as Spence Kovak on Ellen Degeneres’s old show Ellen. And as we all know Ellen is dating Portia de Rossi. That’s still five degrees of separation though, not bad in the grand scheme of things. But, can he vie for the distinction of being two degrees of separation away from ESPN? Unless you look at this, the answer is no. But if you don’t want to go that route and want to believe the truth (which I am of course a huge fan of), follow me… It was my initial belief that Kevin Bacon would be at the very least, three degrees of separation from ESPN given his current track record, but my findings astounded me. Kevin Bacon is married to Kyra Sedgwick. Kyra Sedgwick was in Cameron Crowe’s film Singles. Singles also featured Bill Pullman, who played Bob Hinson in A League of Their Own which features which sport? Baseball. Baseball (the sport) is featured on ESPN. Kevin Bacon to Kyra Sedgwick to Singles to Bill Pullman to A League of Their Own to Baseball to ESPN. While still admirable, I hardly thought I could out-cool Kevin Bacon, but with his six degrees of separation, I have apparently done so.

Thank you Chuck Klosterman, thank you for giving me hope, I shall never doubt you again.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 1st, 2006 at 3:53 pm and is filed under Etc.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.