Y’know What Breaks My Balls…

You know what really breaks my balls?…When I get my hopes up and then get let down…not the kind of “dammit man, there’s no tomato soup left, I guess it’s a chicken noodle day” kind of let down; but more like the “what do you mean you’re a cop…you approached me?!” kind of let down. You’re breakin’ my balls life, here’s how today:

When I woke up this morning (for the second time) I “got out of bed” and checked my emails as I do most mornings. To my surprise I received an email not starting with something similar to “WNna Cumn STongest!?!? L@@@K”, so I looked it over and moved on to more important matters: going back to sleep. Later in the day, when I remembered about it, I opened it up and read the following:

To be honest, I was kind of intrigued; I really don’t spend much time on MySpace at all. And when I check my account to see if it’s still in running order my computer usually has a pop-up reading something like “well cowboy, it’s been a long ride, but you’ve got no new hits…because you’re a loser.” I’ve learned to ignore these and move on.

No, seriously, I don’t really like MySpace…to be honest, I really only use it to pimp out this blog.

Back to the story of how the internet (yet again) broke my balls. I opened this invitation, curious as to what hot babe, wicked RAD male stripper, or even curious dwarf (keeping it P.C., the little bastards have feelings after all). What did I see? A screen asking me to join a band’s fan club. Cool? No! I hadn’t even heard of these guys. Look! Here’s my deal: as is the situation with many, many other bloggers who have any music related content on their page(s) I received a few emails every now and again requesting that I check out a band and post something about them. That’s perfectly cool with me. These emails usually come from people on street teams or a bands management or some schmuck who’s obsessed with a band in which his cousin not only drums, but sings. These things…all cool with me. But DO NOT spam me in order to get me to join your fan club. To be honest, from time to time (as unimaginable as it is) there are cool bands out there who seem like jackasses at first. So I listened to them. I will now continue with my official My Own Demise hate post.

First off, not only have you taken some of my precious free time (which I am spending a hell of a lot more on now that I have a motive) looking at your sh__ty band’s MySpace page, but I had to endure your God-awful music. (Sidenote: my free time isn’t actually precious, I use most of it reading my own blog, and carrying on with my friends about how cool I am about what I just wrote, and then laughing about all of the above…don’t believe me? Check it out)

The main Fan Club page is really, really disapointing. You know, I really know jack all about web site development, html, flash, java, or any other application that can help in these matters, but please – allow me this luxury.

First, I hate the term “Pimp” my anything, unless I use it; because I bring street cred back to a basterdized term…plus, when I say it…it’s kind of cute. Nonetheless, “PIMP YOUR PAGE WITH” yada yada yada. I never knew that you could really “pimp” MySpace pages, I thought maybe there were some templates that you could use to give it a little different look or something, but I didn’t know you could access the code to change the look (like I said, I know not of these things). Close your eyes and imagine what a “Pimped Out Page” might look like. I’m doing it right now, I see pictures of Natalie Portman wearing a Rollins Band t-shirt making me some corn souffle (see: my interests…I know what I like…I’m me) while ESPN’s superstar announcers from “Pardon the Interuption,” Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon lay the thickest DAP!-fest I’ve ever seen in my life. All this, while the theme to EatBabies.com playes gently in the background (just go to the page with your sound on…eat…babies…com). Yeah, now we’re talking what I consider a “Pimped Out Website.” But…look at this site, there’s simply an expired link to a photobucket image and what seems to be the “normal” MySpace layout. All I can see right now, is these guys sitting down with this software, or whatever it is that pimped out their site, and them looking at this veritable plethora of options (including the souffle) and them simply checking the neon green box next to font color. (BTW, this leaves me increasingly skeptical that MySpace can even be Pimped…I don’t really care if it can or not, I just figured that I’d justify the “huh?” connection)

See what I mean with this Photobucket thing, it’s annoying. It really has no implication to either the character of the people in this band, or to what I think of their music. It’s just really annoying. Seems as though if I were spamming some 200,000+ people I’d update my page from time to time and remove any broken or expired links. (I know it says bandwidth exceeded…then find a different server) Off topic, I know, sorry. The last thing about their Fan Club page, the grand Hazaah! if you will…but I absolutely loved this must share it. I can only imagine that is is life’s way of busting their balls for using such a ubiquitous term as “pimp” on their page, but the forum postings from “genuine fans” really made this less of a waste of time for me.

I suppose you could look at it as “no publicity is bad publicity” but when four out five recent forum topics suggest that a.) no one knows who the hell you are, or b.) they’ve heard you and are down right pissed off (at you) because of it. Allow me to give you a taste of such posted by these “fans”:

“retarted ass group…”

“this is stupid. i joined thinking this was going to be some what sh__y. but it turns out to be super f__king mega sh__y…” – codyisthedevil

“six feet under”

this topic was started by the same user: codyisthedevil as he apparently got bored of this band and wanted to start talking about the band Six Feet Under. That’s a perfect example of youth these days; no dedication…

(and finally my favorite, because it expresses my sentiments so poignantly)

“You guys truly suck”

“The amount of ass that you guys suck is not definable in a simple sentence. I feel sorry for your lame, desperate, attention whoring asses.” – Charlie

“1- its not cool to give somebody a half thought lecture on how much they suck. 2- if you f__king want your name out, gain a local following. then work your way from that. what are you gonna get out of a fan that lives across the counrty? its not like i can go to your shows or anything. i havent even heard your music but im denying this request already because people who dont know how to be in bands. request poeple in your area jesus. im not gonna take a plane to the west coast just to see some myspace band.” – candywhore

“Wow. I have got to hand it to spam. This is the most entertaining thing that has happened all day. I feel all warm inside. I’m even chuckling. God, I cannot wait to get sh__faced.” – @_eMm_Skettios

“Just in case any of you forgot, they are sluty myspace whores.” – {3MotionZ}

Well played MySpacers, well played. But, what about their “normal” MySpace page? What about their music, even? These people are all just ranting about a band they’ve (presumably) never listened to; how can I know what to believe or agree with? (It should be noted that at this point in time, I strongly agree with the second to last comment…I could really use a drink) Let’s see exactly who these guys(?) are:

Let’s take a look at the facts here: Band member names. Singer (more pop-culture friendly term: vocalist) – Ingrid Cole (really reminds me of Airheads where Chaz’s – Brendan Fraser’s character – real name is found out to be Chester…it’s OK to laugh). Guitarist – Guitarist. Bassist – Docta’ Geo (I’m presuming a failed medical student and geologist? This would explain his propencity to match the intricacies of soft toned clothing so well). Drummer – Crayjay (once again proving that not only calling yourself crazy is foolishly gay, but that there is absolutely no cool way to make the name Jason ROCK).

“Anything else that just…rocks.” Interesting, Seether and Creed you say…Godsmack…hmm, I’m starting to come around. They’re like one of those parody bands. “Yeah, we’re all nü metal bands (chuckle chuckle chuckle)” Wrong! “Sounds like: All of the above and so much more.” OK, now you’ve actually proven something that I thought was imposible to prove, it is actually possible to have an absolutely horrible band and still be cocky about it. Do they honestly think they sound like Black Sabbath? And so much more…Oh, and when you answer “Type of Label: None” but (even jokingly) refer to your record label as Rocketsauce Records Inc. it further shows that you neither have an original bone in your collective body, but that you have no business sense and don’t know what “Inc.” means (and no, I will not accept this as humorous irony).

They are the essential hard rock band that the Las Vegas local scene has been anxiously awaiting? I’m sorry, I thought they were the essential hard rock band that the Las Vegas semi-domestic scene had been anxiously awaiting. I can honestly see “the scene” sitting there, at a bus stop in Las Vegas, outside of the “strip,” somewhere in the beaten downtown streets, under an alcoholic state of narcosis, trapped in time, not able to progress out of 1998, saying to itself “When God, When?! When will a band with sounds less adquate to those of most high school bands come to save this desperate music scene?!”

“They are an uncontrollable ball of adrenaline on stage, commanding all eyes on them with every move.”…commanding all eyes on the TV behind the stage, with or without them actually needing to move at all.

Look, there’s actually a TV on the “stage”

“With songs what (no, they actually made an error, not me) blend every day emotions and experiences, to world issues they are sure to captivate the hearts and minds of any audience.” And if that doesn’t work, they can always change the channel on the conventiently provided “stage TV” to the Lifetime Network.”My Own Demise is four gifted and dedicated artists with one common goal in mind: putting the ‘Rock’ back in Rock and Roll, and creating music that stands out among their crowds and peers in the music industry.” What the worst thing about this is, is that they go out of their way to mention that “This profile was edited with ‘The Docta’s’ skillz.” Folks, this is the edited version.

Oh, and the link they’ve provided for The Doctaz Homepizage (which comes as no surprise at this point in time) leads to the internet abyss.

At this point in time I really want to make note of the quality of friends that has already been touched on, but really…why bother with any reference to “Big Bad Gorilla Man Silverback Superman,” I mean, really.If you don’t believe me after all this, check out their sites: My Own Demise.

Consider my magnum opus complete. Goodnight (Oh, and I haven’t taken the time to get The Doctaz Skillz to edit this, so I’m sorry for any spelling and grammatical errors)